the art and science of being disgusting
networking my ass. call it what it is: incest. second degree sexual assault.in other words, groping people on the bus. fondling people against their will.
stalking.
that is what networking is. going to dinner parties and exchanging business cards. eeeeuuuuwwwhhhh!!! it gives us the fucking creeps.
however...it is absolutely necessary. to schmooze...to slither...to whore oneself. to sidle up to the groom at the wedding and tell him where he can get some on the side for a nominal fee...to sidle up to the bride and try to get some of her for free.
to sidle up to the bereaved friends and family at a wake, and offer them your services.
that is networking at its finest. and/or at its lowest.
and it's absolutely necessary and vital.
so how does one network without becoming so disgusted with oneself, that one is pushed to the point of swallowing all the aspirin next to one's computer and washing it down with a bottle of dayquil? followed by a liter bottle of mouthwash?
answer: if you cannot learn to enjoy the necessary evils of marketing yourself to human beings that you know and meet in the real world and not simply a nebulous cloud of philosophically abstract "clients", then you will never make a dime as your own boss.
when people say to you, "hey, like how's it goin'?" respond: "great. i'm working on a new project blah blah blah" until they shut you up or walk away. make sure they do not walk away without a business card in their pocket, even if you have to slip it in there yourself.
when people say to you, "man, this weather sucks," reply, "i know, it's had such an impact on my business..." turn the conversation so it's about you.
in other words: endeavor to become the most self-absorbed, self-aggrandizing, disgustingly smarmy piece of shit you ever imagined being. see every relationship as a potential resource to be exploited.
oh, and don't ever sleep.
and look up your old ex girlfriends on google.
how do we know this works?
it probably doesn't, actually.
find out what lengths you are willing to go to in order to make yourself visible. find out what your comfort zone is, where your boundaries are. then, push beyond them. all kidding aside, and we're mostly kidding here - it's your comfort zone that helped you to cope with the stifling mediocrity you're condemned to right now. you have to go outside it, in order to get anywhere else.
so don't make yourself sick of yourself, or make others sick of you, just because we said so. try it for one week; see what happens. if you find that it has some positive effect, consider adopting it as a habit.
